Friday, August 28, 2015

My Odd Mom Out Experience

A few weeks back I attended a baby shower with tasteful decorations, great food, beer and sangria and no stupid baby shower games.  Overall this baby shower receives a 9.5/10 only because there was no bloody mary bar.  When it came time for Mother-To-Be (MTB) to open presents there was the obligatory "ohhs" and "ahhs", "oh yes you will DEFINITELY need that", "I've heard that this item is a MUST!", "My little Sylvester LOVES his (insert super specific and expensive baby toy that you could easily make out of an old newspaper and dog hair).  And then the most important present was opened, a must read piece of classic literature titled "Go the Fuck to Sleep". There was an instant eruption of laughter, giggles (some uncomfortable) and chatter that filled the room up to the vaulted ceiling followed by one lone and very reasonable voice, "Go ahead and read an excerpt!" To which the MTB, who is as sweet as pie (no joke) responded "Really?!  Should I?!  OK!"

After starting at the beginning she quickly realized she just HAD to find out how it ended.  Those of us with kids already know how it ends, with the truth, the truthiest of all Truths, nobody gets to sleep, ever.  So she continued to read and about half way through she stops, laughs and asks the group, "Do I really read this to my kid?" To which I smiled and nodded "yes!" while at the same time all the other guests simultaneously, like a chorus of angels, chimed "No, of course not!" I immediately slinked back into the shadows and shoved a cupcake into my mouth because I have already read this book and the sequel "You Have to Fucking Eat" to my child...regularly.

The truth is my kid, your kid, MTB's kid is going to hear swear words whether from these classic pieces of literature, the T.V., Grandma, or some random person running down the street in only a pair of socks and a bowler hat.  And while I don't WANT my child to use swear words, this concern is at the bottom of a very long list of concerns I have regarding what my son may do.  This list is not all inclusive, and with the exception of #1 all items are subject to change position or even be deleted at anytime:

1) Setting fire to anything
2) Chewing with his mouth open
3) Chewing gum
4) Wearing socks with sandals
5) Becoming a conservative (or worse, a libertarian)
535) Swearing

P.S. Odd Mom Out is a great, fantastic scripted T.V. show on Bravo that every person must watch.